Is it wrong that I still miss you? That I still hear your voice in my head? That I still feel your breath running down the back of my spine? Is it bad that I can’t forget you, and everything that we had? It feels like life is just passing by, every moment bitter in it’s black and white setting. I’m trying to believe that it all happened for a reason, but it’s hard to fight the undeniable fact that, at one point in my life, you were my reason. And I still refuse to accept the fact that in the end, HE was the one that ended up with you.
It’s gotten better though. I’m not on the edge everyday. But I guess the residual sting is still there. You were everything to me, and without you, it feels as if I wake up everyday missing something, as if part of I needed was just gone, like waking up with a missing arm. I’ve given up on sleep, cause all I get are bad dreams. I feel like every night is a battle to sleep, cause it’s at night when I remember you the most.And when I remember, it’s not just the bad parts, but also the good in what we had. All those late nights, movies, dinners, and random moments. You were my person. That one person that I’d meet in my life and undoubtably know that I’d love her for the rest of my life. To me it was more than just a high school and college fling. I guess I can’t do anything about that now. The only thing that I can hope for and make sure of is that you’re happy in whatever you do, and whoever you’re with. Though you aren’t with me anymore, you’ll always be THE person, MY person, and I want you to be happy.
All the long trips back and forth, the cooking, the cleaning, the traveling, and all the money wasted on anything that made us happy. I look back at all these things and I don’t regret it, cause if you asked me, I would do it again in a heartbeat…
Haven’t written on Tumblr in a while. It’s crazy how fast time is flying bye. Soon off to work and finish up my last few semesters in Dubai. It’s crazy. I’ve been so busy lately, and can’t find the time to socialize online anymore, and I guess I finally realized why….
Keeping my mind busy, it’s the only way to keep me from wandering. I guess I haven’t found a way to get over my past. I know people say “don’t carry the past with you, it’ll only slow you down. Just carry the lesson it taught you, and move forward.” But sometimes, I just have to ask, “how?”
I mean, it’s easy to say something, but to actually do it, implement it in your life, that’s the challenge. Sometimes when I lay alone at night, or even when I’m with friends, I think to myself,
"Why does it mean so much to me?"
"Did it mean anything to you?"
All these questions in my mind, and no answers to help subside the pain. She embodied the combination of love and youth, and helped me discover everything I ever wanted. It’s a love that’s impossible to replicate, because you can only have that kind of love once. Nothing will ever feel the same, no matter how much better or worse, it’s one special moment, one special type of love. All those memories…the first kiss, the first dates, and all the conversations. All of which now have become a nostalgic love.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t fight the reality of it now being a part of history, but at the same time, I can’t stand not fighting for what my heart still wants…
Because even though we were just kids, I know without a doubt in my mind, when we were there, we were in love.